


How the four got their movie night (and maybe a team)

by Keenir



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Background Jane Foster/Thor, Friendship, Fury's Foyles War reference, Gen, Loki's sneaky, Martians, Sif's 3 Musketeers reference, Tony Stark ships Jen/Steve, tv & movie references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-20
Updated: 2013-11-27
Packaged: 2017-12-24 02:26:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/934103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keenir/pseuds/Keenir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of interludes between Agent Hill, Sif, Darcy, and Dr. Foster.</p><p>No catfights.  But plenty of pizza.  (and adventures!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Phosphorescent](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phosphorescent/gifts).



> For those who wonder, yes, the title was inspired by "how the elephant got its trunk." :)
> 
> And thanks to **Phosphorescent** , who gave me the plot bunny behind this fic.

**First**

"One phone call - how is that too much to ask for? I mean, if SHIELD didn't have access to touch-screens and voice-activated everything, it'd be understandable, but if they don't have that, do we really want the fate of the planet in their hands?"

Jane had to admit that Darcy's impression of her was spot-on...insofar as Jane hadn't actually said any of that, but it _had_ gone through her head at least once a day since Tromsø. _And really, did they think Tromsø didn't have an internet connection?_ "Can we get back to work now, Dar-" and stopped when she saw the look on her friend's face.

"Isn't that...?" Darcy asked.

Turning to see where Darcy was looking - at the sliding door on the house's side - "It is," Jane said. _Thor's friend from when four of them came by to help him fight the Destroyer._ She went over and opened the door. "Sif?"

"I am," Sif said. "Thor informed me it is traditional to bring beer to gatherings," and held up a basket of unlabeled beers.

"Gatherings?" Jane asked, and noticing that Sif was still standing there, "Um, come in, please," and wondered if she would have to stop Darcy from making a vampire reference.

"Yes. A gathering of friends and compatriots who come together to drink and be merry and be entertained, prior to a date."

"A date?" Darcy asked before Jane could repeat that, and suspected the boss-lady had been about to, too.

"Thor's coming back?" Jane asked.

"As soon as the Bifrost is repaired," Sif said.

"Then, ah, how did you get here?"

"My brother knows every road in and out of this planet. It was not difficult."

"You don't mind that Thor wants to date me?" Jane asked. A dark corner of her mind whispered _why would she mind? she's not the one who is mortal._

Sif threw Jane a funny look. "Why would I mind?" Sif asked.

"Because -" Darcy started to say, but Jane shushed her.

Jane went over to the bookcase and pulled out the slender book she wanted, flipped through it to the right page, and handed it to Sif. "That's why." She'd expected a lot of possible responses - from outright denial, to mocking laughter, to a pat on the head, to Sif pulling out that sword and chopping the book into confetti - but she honestly hadn't thought Sif's reaction would be eyes bugging and face looking like she was going to be physically ill.

"Oh crap," Darcy asked, "are you and Thor brother and sister? Half-bro and half-sis?"

That seemed to distract Sif enough for her to look a little better... or at least like she wasn't about to puke on the carpet. "Thor is a friend, one who has my back in a fight. This _book_ ," spitting out the word, "says I give birth to Odin. That _I_ am the mother of the Allfather. Nornsnot and rubbish!"

Jane chuckles at that, lets herself laugh at how silly she was, at all the fears her mind had festering away were naught but silly natterings of no substance.

"Is this normal?" Sif asks Darcy as Jane continues to laugh.

"Not sure she _has_ a 'normal', space lady," Darcy said.

**~~~~~~~**  
 **Second**

"NO!" Sif shouted at the television, making Jane feel better that it wasn't just humans who got upset with the stupidity of movie characters. "These are the heroes of the film, you said."

Jane nodded.

"Then why are they fool enough to venture unarmed into a place where the killer creature is known to lurk? They are not even luring the creature back to those who _can_ kill the creature," saying it with the air of someone who had actually done exactly that.

"You were bait?" Darcy asked.

"Thor was bait. I was armed," Sif said.

"This was before the Hammer?" Maria asked. SHIELD had insisted that someone be present during all downtimes where Asgardians were concerned. Or that was Agent Hill's assertion. Darcy had muttered that Hill just wanted to prop her feet up, have a beer and popcorn, and not worry about saving the world for two hours. 'Not mutually incompatible' was all Agent Hill would say in response to that.

"Of course," Sif said. "A romantic interlude? Without any defenses of any sort in place?"

"Its a movie. Its not real," Darcy said. "Hold on, that thing was bulletproof, walked on fire, survived a building falling on it...and they kill it with a fist to its nose??"

Jane shook her head.

"You get used to it," Maria muttered.

"Movie weirdness?" Jane asked.

"In real life."

**~~~~~~~**  
 **Third**

"Here you go, your holiness," Darcy said, handing Sif a slice. "You can't say you've known the glory of Earth, if you've never had pizza."

"I had pizza before," Sif said.

"When?"

"I was invited to attend an exploratory raid against a middling city...Roam, I believe it was."

"Rome?" Jane repeated.

"Vikings took women on their voyages?" Darcy asked.

"The earliest trips to Greenland, Iceland, and North America were led by women," Maria pointed out before taking a slice for herself.

"Good pizza?" she asked Sif, who nodded. "Great, now lets open the beers," grabbing one, tugging the cork out, and taking a sniff. "Smells like apples."

"I should hope so," Sif remarked. "Just because I've been saving these bottles since I stole these apple ingredients as a little girl..."

"You mean it wasn't Loki's doing, like it says in..." and made the gesture towards _that book._

Sif snorted. "Snorri and the others... either they could not grasp the idea that pure and noble Sif could do such a thing, or they hated me enough to give all the credit to someone else."

"Amen," Jane said, clinking her beer against Sif's. "If I had a nickle for every time that happened to me..."

"We'd all be obscenely wealthy and sunning ourselves on a beach somewhere," Darcy seconded.

Maria nodded. "And our every need gets seen to by our own personal team of Canadian hockey players."

"And that is indulgent on Earth?" Sif asked.

'NO!' Darcy mouthed.

Jane shrugged. "It doesn't sound half bad."

Snapping her fingers, Maria said, "We need to introduce you to hockey," she said to Sif.

Darcy groaned and wondered if it was too late to be transferred somewhere safer...like Stark Tower.

**~~~~~~~**  
 **Fourth**

"What about this one?" Jane asked. "Or is this one better?" holding up two dresses over herself for perusal.

"That one on the left, looks like you would wear it into combat," Sif said.

Darcy nodded with a grin. "I fully expect there will be a lot of close-quarters grappling tonight."

Jane didn't even bother rolling her eyes half the time.

"The one on the right," Maria said, turning her phone off. "Stark's on his way over, and he's less likely to make a comment on that one."

The Bifrost had finally been repaired, allowing Thor to come down to Earth; and Stark was flying him over this evening for this date...though Maria hadn't been able to say whether there would be aircraft involved.

"So?" Darcy asked.

Sif said, "I am given to understand that Stark tends to make remarks of varying levels of respectability. Thor tends to be touchy about the honor of a woman, particularly one he is courting. In your parlance, he would crush Stark into next week."

"Throw."

"Not with Mjolnir."

"Does that count as a joke?" Darcy asked Maria, who wisely opted not to answer.

"Has Thor ever been touchy about you?" Maria asked.

Jane made a noise.

"More of your SHIELD contingency planning?" Sif asked Hill.

"That and I'm curious," Maria said.

"Thor did not pay note of me as though I was a woman. He knew I was one - that is clear - but he never thought to court me."

"Did you want there to be?"

Jane's noise had puppies.

Sif turned and looked dead into Maria's eyes. "Only one Asgardian has ever captured my heart; and his name is Hod." Turning to face Jane before the mortal could duck into another room to change, "Now go, Jane. Go with Thor and have kittens or..." and glanced over to Darcy to ask "What do humans have again?" But then a smile appeared on her face, and Jane knew it for the joke it had been intended as.

"I'll go."

"I fully expect there to be a lot of redacting on your report of this date, Dr. Foster," Maria said.

Jane nodded.

**~~~~~~~**  
 **Fifth**

"Ah, the classics," Maria said as the title BATMAN appeared on the screen.

"More a Dark Knight fan myself," Jane said.

"Really? I've have thought you'd be more a Man of Steel girl."

"Superman, really?"

Maria shrugged. "Lois Lane had her good points, and didn't always need saving."

"So the idea of this," Sif asked Darcy and the others, "is that a child is traumatized, and grows up to be a wealthy crime-fighter?"

"Yup, that's it," Darcy said.

"Not really wealthy, per se," Jane said, "more like richer than God."

"We could use someone like that on the Avengers," Maria said.

"Don't you already?"

Maria snorted. "Compared to Stark, Bruce Wayne is well-adjusted."

"What about us?" Darcy asked.

"Do you have hidden bank accounts we haven't found yet?"

"Not answering that one. I mean why can't the four of us go crime-fighting? Its not like any of us are afraid of breaking a nail."

"It could be fun," Sif said, game for it if the others were.

"It'd certainly do interesting things to Director Fury's blood pressure," Maria said, considering it as a possibility.

"Okay, lets do it," Jane said. "But can I be like the Oracle and stay home and do all the computer work and find out things for you guys?"

"You want _my_ job?" Darcy asked, jesting.

"Then it shall be done," Sif said. "Teamwork at its finest - all for one and one..."

"FOR ALL!" the four of them said in unison.


	2. Early Missions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _"On the slips of paper in this chamber, are names of all the scandals hitting the news: Benghazi, the IRS, the Immortal Scorpion Warriors. Oh, they're coming, believe me."_  
>  \--Steven Colbert; The Colbert Report.

**1\. Sif**

Their first mission as a team, nameless though they were thus far, was against small band of youths. "Dark Side, my ass," Darcy muttered as she ran towards the dark alleyway here in the city, chased by most of the youths, though two hung back just in case.

Painful _thud_ ding sounds landed time and again as soon as the youths had entered the alleyway. The lights were turned back on for this alleyway, revealing the four and how the youths were lying on the ground, having been knocked down, ambushed, taken out.

"Movies, jerkmeat, learn from them," Darcy told the one who had been leading the others. To Maria, "Nice swing. Maybe golf's not as useless as I thought."

Agent Hill nodded and flung her 4-Iron at one of the fleeing youths, knocking him to the ground with a minimum of fuss. "Even misbehavior can be instructive."

Now only one of the youths was left, and he took to the sky with the aid of Iron Man-style rockets.

"All mine," Sif said, emerging from the shadows, and flexing her fingers upon the handle of her glaive.

"Uh, any time now's good," Darcy said.

"Moment," Sif said, her glaive's blade emerging as a full sword, then narrowing to a spear with blade only at the far end. Looking at where the escaping bad guy was, Sif tossed her glaive up, which let her change her grip...and throw it at the bad guy.

Her spear embedded itself in the teen's calf.

"You missed?" Maria asked, a second before the bad guy was barely a blur streaking to the ground. "Or not."

Jane was frowning.

"Problem?" Sif asked her.

"Gravity doesn't make people fall that fast," Jane said.

"That's true," Sif said. "But gravity gives falling people the opportunity to launch another attack, to grab a hostage/victim, and activate something dangerous. Hence the density shift in my glaive."

 _What does it say, that my first thought no longer is 'but physics doesn't work that way'?_ Jane mused.

"Can I have one?" Darcy asked.

Darcy asked. "I'll inquire if three more can be made - assuming our friends would not object to their own as well."

"Not sure I could use it, but thanks," Jane said.

Maria nodded. "I'll make room for it. Now, let's find out what these idiots know."

"Question," Darcy said. "Who gets pancake duty?"

Jane raised her hand.

Teasing, "You're going to scrape the guy off the street and pick Sif's glaive out of what mess is left?"

"I will go," Sif said.

"How're you going to pay for the blueberry pancakes?" Darcy asked, perfectly serious.

"Corn pancakes for me, please," Maria said.

"I will tend to the mess," Sif said quietly to Jane, one hand on the younger one's shoulder, "if you would find it agreeable to bring back browned hash."

Jane nodded, and headed for a diner as soon as Sif let go.

"Question," Darcy said to Maria. "If these dudes don't wanna talk, can I taser them?"

"They made the mistake of spitting on the Geneva Convention," Maria said. "Did you bring enough batteries?"

"When do I not have enough batteries?"

"I have more, if it helps."

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~**  
 **2\. Jane.**

"Nice of you to rejoin us," Sif said, having been here with Darcy and Maria, keeping the Scorpion Warriors bottled up in this dug-out space that would be a building foundation or basement in a few months.

"You're hanging out with Darcy too much; next time, _you_ can get your ass pinched five times while you're getting the minced pies," and pulled the pies out of the bag, handing them to her teammates. Everyone slid their pies toward the Scorpion Warriors, whose massive pincer-claws and stabbing tails remained in a waiting state of readiness.

The standoff continued until the aromas of the pies reached the breathing holes along the armor plating. Almost as one, the Scorpion Warriors bent their - _not heads_ , Jane thought, _more of shoulders or that area of the cephalothorax_ \- to look at the pies, then at the women. The Scorpion Warriors then lowered themselves so every limb's end was on the ground, and they could feast upon the pies they had been given.

"Makes sense," Maria said. "Take a long journey, and you're bound to be hungry when you arrive."

Jane nodded. "That and I sort of assumed that they were like the scorpions we have here on Earth - not really aggressive unless they're backed into a corner and left no other option." _And_ that's _a mistake I'm never making again._

"Score one for parallel evolution," Darcy said. "No, check that - score two for parallel evolution." _If it weren't for that, Jane wouldn't have a kinda-holy Norse god for a heartthrob._

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~**  
 **3\. Fury.**

Nick Fury, Director of SHIELD, looked over the correlated files, and then over the files he had correlated personally. _As I suspected. As I feared._

SHIELD didn't worry about minor amounts being shaved off of accounts - it honed talents in those able to accomplish that, and if a world-spanning organization like SHIELD couldn't do without the drop in the ocean that was the cost of a diamond ring, 'then we don't deserve to be here,' Nick's predecessor had always told him.

Nor did SHIELD worry about massive amounts being diverted to secret locales - those tended to become research labs (e.g., Dr. Erskine) or training sites or superhero retreats which could be folded back into the main of SHIELD at a later point; those which didn't, had been the two attempts at in-agency seccession, both of which had failed.

No, what sent men like Fury into cold sweats were the rare occassions when the middle ground was traveled...like now. Pressing one button on his desk, Fury said, "Agent Hill. My office, now."

Hill arrived on the double, standing at attention, and was what Fury's predecessor's predecessor would have called 'all present and correct.'

"Is this a good morning, Agent?" Fury asked.

"Thus far, sir, it is," Hill answered. "There's no activity anywhere on the globe. Not HYDRA, not anything."

"Good. And there's nothing you want to tell me?" Fury asked her nicely.

"Everything's working as it should be, sir," Agent Hill said.

"So why do we have a troop of Immortal Scorpion Warriors in one of our high-security spare rooms?" _Not one of the prison cells, but a space we use for allies of uncertain trustworthiness and enemies who are on good behavior for one reason or another._

"They were here when I came in this morning, sir."

"Were they, now?" Fury asked, and knew that the records would reflect whatever she said.

"Why would I lie, Director?" Agent Hill asked him, which wasn't what he had expected her answer to be.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~**  
 **4\. Darcy.**

The Lizard had escaped SHIELD custody while being taken to a new, more secure facility. Darcy wondered what the punishment was for a screw-up of this magnitude; _Ask Maria_ after _we get the Lizard back into custody._ She pulled out her taser - and the bastard's tail knocked it into a wall hard enough to break.

Jane took that opportunity to tackle the Lizard - and only managed to tackle his tail, which ripped off from him.

The Lizard swung around, clawed hand ready to retaliate aplenty for that - and lost that hand to Sif's glaive.

The hand flopped about uselessly, while a new one grew where the useless one had been. "Poor aim," the Lizard said to Sif, who narrowed her eyes at him. _Should have targetted higher up the arm._ That thought was punctuated by being kicked in the head by two feet which then landed behind him.

"That wasn't poor aim," Sif said to Maria who had delivered the kick, and they could both see the Lizard's new tail nearing completion.

Jane was trying to use the detached tail as an improvised weapon, though it wiggled in such a way as to hit the Lizard as often as it hit Jane.

Iron Man flew in, set Dr. Banner on the street, and flew up to stand in mid-air two people-heights up and to one side of the action.

The crack of thunderclaps arrived shortly before Thor landed on the Lizard's chest, slamming him on his back in the process.

"Do we feel better now?" Sif asked him.

Darcy chuckled and would've offered a fist-bump if she'd been closer.

"Now, reptile man, do you yield?" Thor asked, stepping off of the Lizard.

Thor's bootprints grew shallower and shallower until they were utterly gone. "Why should I?" the Lizard asked him, sitting up and curling to a standing position. "You abandoned your position of strength."

"This will be greater sport than we have had in long years," Thor said to Sif, having seen the healing factor of their foe. To Jane, Thor tried pantomiming that she should back away from where she was approaching the Lizard with that still-moving tail in her arms.

Jane had no idea what was happening with Thor's face, which seemed to be all twitches and shudders. "What?" she asked him, to which, the Lizard turned to face her.

"Of for the love of..." Tony muttered, and fired a small missile to one side of the Lizard, distracting the guy.

"Dr. Connor," Bruce said, walking over and stopping at what he considered to be a safe distance for both of them. "Now would be a really good time to stop."

"For why, Dr. Banner?" the Lizard asked him.

"Because you know what'll happen."

A dip of that reptilian head. "I do." And louder, "Tell me, is that sufficient, Director?" he called out.

"It'll do," Fury said, walking around the corner and into view of all involved. "Thank you for your cooperation."

"The hell?" Stark asked. _How did you just appear out of nowhere?_

"Our agreement?" the Lizard asked.

"Stands, for as long as you uphold your end." To the agents accompanying him, Fury said, "Escort the Lizard and Dr. Connors to one of our minimum-security prisons."

"SHIELD's minimum security isn't anything like anyone else's minimum security prisons," Hill said to her friends.

"Very true, Agent," Fury said, turning to deal with her. "And what do you have to say for yourself?"

Standing at attention, Agent Hill said, "You're welcome, sir."

Fury said nothing.

Tony Stark, on the other hand, landed and said "You're welcome? And you guys say I have the balls to misinterpret what I just saw?"

"We at least can handle things."

"And now you're saying I can't?"

"You had teenagers flying around in knockoff Iron Man suits they'd cobbled together - and where were you to deal with them, Stark? Or did their string of bank robberies not seem special enough for your attention?"

"This was a test?" Jane asked Director Fury.

"No," Fury said. "It was a lure. I don't like covert ops that escape the notice of SHIELD - or affiliated groups," to which Stark stuck out his tongue. "You wouldn't have had a problem capturing the Lizard even if this hadn't been a lure."

"But you wanted the Avengers and SHIELD to know they were there, and you wanted them to know SHIELD and the Avengers knew," Bruce said.

"Precisely, Doctor."

Darcy shook her head, whistled to get the Lizard's attention while whipping out her spare taser, and shot it at him, who collapsed for now.

Fury turned a very that-was-a-bad-idea gaze on her.

"He beat Jane with his tail," Darcy said.

"Who was the one who ripped it off him to begin with?"

Jane managed to look proud of herself for her accomplishment, while pointedly not looking at the scales and blooddroplets that'd gotten on her.

"They both kinda give new meaning to the phrase 'stop hitting yourself'," Stark said.

"You wanna be next?" Darcy asked him.

"I'm thinking you don't wanna do that."

"Stark, we should make our retreat," Thor said.

"Seriously?"

"He's seen me fight," Sif said.

"And I tasered him into next week when we met," Darcy said, which seemed to scare Thor even more than Sif's fighting skills.

"And, ah..." Jane said, not sure how to say 'and I ran over Thor twice' at this stage in their relationship. _Guys don't like when they're shown up in front of their friends, right? And even those who don't mind...might draw the line at the use of motor vehicles._

"Fine, how bout we all go for shwarma and talk this out, deal?" Stark asked, figuring Pepper would love that.

"We were thinking more along the lines of pizza," Agent Hill said, to which Jane and Sif nodded.

"No problem there. I've got this great little pizza place around the corner from here -"

"You mean you know a great pizza place, right?" Jane asked.

"No. Well, used to mean that," Tony said. "Then they were rude to me, so I bought them out."

"The Dark Knight," Darcy said to Maria. "Okay, you win." To Tony, "Lead on, MacDuff," and her teammates smiled at the look on Stark's face.


	3. The doom of Doom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Uh, guys?" Tony asked. "Anybody want to tell me why Dr. Doom's sitting downstairs in my lobby?"_  
>  This is why.

"Uh, guys?" Stark asked. "Anybody want to tell me why Dr. Doom's sitting downstairs in my lobby?"

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**  
 **ONE DAY EARLIER:**

"Sif?"

Sif looked up from An introduction to the Alphabet, to see what Jane wished to speak to her regarding. Seeing that Jane was looking up from a copy of Constructing the Mayan Pyramids, Sif wasn't entirely sure she could field the question. _Still..._ "Yes, Jane?"

"How long do most construction projects in the Nine Worlds take?" Jane asked, still slightly unclear on the difference - _if any_ \- between Nine Worlds and Nine Realms.

"Mjolnir was reputed to take two million years. Most take anywhere from a few centuries to a few thousand years."

"Yay immortality," Darcy said, bringing in the day's pizza. "What'd I miss?"

"I have an idea," Jane said.

"Yeah?"

"Yep."

"Want to share?" she asked Jane with a grin.

"We find a bad guy, somebody with a love of gadgets and technology and tools -"

"An evil you, basically," Maria said lightly, already having a few canidates in mind.

"You wouldn't like me when I'm angry," Jane said.

Nodding, "That's on file, already, actually," Maria agreed. "You were dangerous enough for SHIELD when you were irked."

Pretty sure that qualified as a compliment from someone in her line of work - or from anyone, really - Jane continued "And we send them to the dwarves or elves or whomever does the centuries-long manufacturing jobs."

"That would work. That would work very well."

"I'm guessing there's a problem...Sif?" Darcy asked. Working with Jane and an assortment of other geniuses (as well as paper-pushers), had made Darcy very adept at reading otherwise-well-hidden microexpressions on peoples' faces.

"It is a very good idea," Sif agreed.

"But?" Darcy and Maria asked with a varying number of question marks.

"The Dwarves will not react well on seeing me."

"You're not the only woman in this room with a bounty on her head," Maria assured her.

"So, can you at least get us to the dwarf world...realm...country?" Jane asked.

"I can," Sif said, and gave the matter a good think. Then, "However, they would not hold it against you if my role was to make the introductions. That would satisfy their role as host, without forcing them to recognize me as a guest."

"That sounds like PhD material...you been holding out on us, girl?" Darcy kidded with her.

"When your life's spare time adds up to nearly seven hundred years, one reads what previously held little appeal."

"Ugh, remind me to never ever complain about reruns ever again."

"Didn't you already ask me that twice?" Jane asks her with a grin.

Darcy nodded.

"Great. Now we know the who and the who and how it'll go down. So when do we start?" Jane asked.

"One tiny thing," Darcy asked. "Who're we saying knows Doom _and_ the dwarves?"

"Someone who lives on Earth...but has ties to the Realms," Hill said. "Thor?"

"Has he lived on Earth long enough to know who Doom is? Or where Latveria is? Or how to spell it?"

"Can we fake it?" Jane asked.

"Never thought I'd hear the F word coming from your mouth," Darcy said. "And I'm with Jane - Doom doesn't know these people from Adam, and the dwarves probably don't know anybody who's heard of Doom, so..."

"Still doesn't give us a name," Maria said. "And I suspect the dwarves will want a name."

Sif nodded. "There are certain astropolitical gaps which you might call mysteries... We might exploit one of those."

Clapping her hands, Darcy said "What're we waiting for? Let's go!"

**~~**

"I'm _who_?" Darcy asked.

"Darcy Lewis," Sif said, starting to wonder if they had wrapped the cord around her friend's head too tightly.

"Knew that. But who am I supposed to be, again?"

"Darcy Lewis, heir to the throne of Hoenir."

"Who-neer?"

"The Silent," Sif added.

Jane chuckled, then mouthed 'sorry' to Darcy. "Is there anything Darcy needs to keep in mind, you know and stay in character?"

Looking Darcy dead in the eyes, Sif said, "Odin Allfather, King of Asgard and The Most High of the Nine Realms, did kill your ancestor Hoenir the Silent. Thus do you hate Odin and all his sons, Loki _and_ Thor." Quieter, "And Heimdall."

"The Heimdall that Thor was shouting at to open the Bifrost?" 

"My half-brother. One of his mothers was my mom."

Maria asks, before they can get side-tracked right at the start of a potentially huge mission, "And even if Doom doesn't know the name, the Dwarves will?"

"The last king of Vanaheim was known even to slumbering Sutur. But I do not see how we will gain an audience with this mortal Doom. Mortal Doom. Mortal doom."

 _No, doesn't get less weird when you say it more._ "Leave that to me," Maria said.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

"Welcome to my embassy, your grace," Doom said to Darcy as she walked in through the open doors.

"I'm just glad you found time in your busy schedule for me," Darcy said, still upset she didn't get to do an accent or anything. _And how did Maria get me an appointment that fast? We only got this idea less than an hour ago._

"Your employees are certainly a varied bunch, I must say. What are they?"

"Asgardian, Astronomer, and SHIELD," Agent Hill replied for Darcy. _Nothing he wouldn't be able to find out with a quick attack on the SHIELD servers, he's done it before. And this makes him think we're not keeping anything from him._

"If that's enough?" Darcy asks, "or do you want our foot sizes too?"

Doom makes a noise that might be laughter. "On the contrary, we can do business. Please, this way," and led the way to the stateroom.

As she and Sif and Jane followed Darcy and Doom, Hill knew _I'm not the first SHIELD agent to jump ship. Granted, nearly everyone who goes AWOL from SHIELD tends to go to ground and stay retired._

As the stateroom doors closed, locking the five of them in the stateroom, Doom took a seat at the head of the table at what was essentially a CEO's throne. "Now tell me, your majesty," Doom said. "Given how little material there is on your family or on your hallowed ancestor, why should I be bothered to grant you assistance?"

"You granted me an audience," Darcy countered. "That means you're interested."

"That is one interpretation. Another is that I chose to end your life rather than be pestered by repeated applications for my aid - and to do so in a place where police and other agencies have no jurisdiction," pointedly glancing at Agent Hill.

"So you wanna know what I'm bringing to the table."

"In so many words," Doom said.

"Dwarves," Darcy said.

"Latveria has many of that stature."

"No, I mean honest-to-gods dwarves sitting at furnaces making magic rings and endless beer goblets and everything else your momma told you at bedtime."

Now Doom looked at Sif, which made Darcy wonder which stories baby Doom used to hear. "Continue."

"You've got access to SHIELD, am I right or am I right?"

"You are not incorrect."

So Darcy said, "Then you know about Thor. How the sonovabi- how the so-called hero has a super hammer that does his bidding. Who do you think made that for him? Not his ass of a dad."

"Dwarves," Doom said.

"Got it in one. And just think of the hair."

Sif and Doom both looked at Darcy on that one.

"Oh don't tell me you don't dream you can run your hands through your own hair," Darcy said. "And it can probably come equipped with its own superpower. And whatever else you can think to ask of the dwarves."

"You expect me to simply think these dwarves will make anything I wish them to, without cost?" Doom asked.

"Let me worry about the price. You just have fun with the forges."

"And in return? What price will I owe to you?"

Darcy smiled a smile Jane was glad she hadn't seen since certain poker nights. "You are a declared enemy of SHIELD. SHIELD employs Thor of the House of Odin. Odin and his kin are my enemies. Hurt SHIELD, and you have harmed those whom I hate. I can ask for no greater payment."

"Not even their heads?" Doom asked.

"Now you're just spoiling for a kindness. You get that, and I'll owe you."

"Then only one thing remains."

"A contract?" Darcy asked.

"A means by which I can reach these dwarves you are intent upon me working with."

"Stark Tower, or 'avenger tower' as the fools think to call it. We walk you in as a penitent who claims to be reconsidering the ways of his life...and when Thor is about to be beamed up to the dwarven world, we shove him aside, and abracadabra you are there."

"And all I have to do is fool them, at the Tower?" Doom asked.

"If you don't think you can do _that_..." Darcy asked.

"I will have it done. Now, let us go," and the doors all unlocked and opened.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**   
**AVENGER TOWER, right before Tony asked about Doom in the lobby...**

"Sif, did you mention that Dwarves place no value on things they can build themselves?" Thor asked once the team had informed him of the role he was to - gladly - play.

"You do not believe this mortal Doom would pay the price of his own admission?" Sif asked. _And the Dwarves would have no reason to tell him until he tries to leave, that the cost of anything Doom had them make - is Doom himself._


	4. The Naming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It all began when Dr. Banner's birthday party was interrupted by Martians. And now the teams're hammering out names.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With thanks to **Kiera_63** and **Phosphorescent** for the advice. Much appreciated!

Sif went to answer the door when someone outside was knocking on it. "Tall and green," Sif said, looking through the peephole - _which takes the surprise away from both sides. Still, it is their door._

"Dr. Banner?" Maria asked.

"Is Dr. Banner a woman?"

"She's safe."

Sif opened the door.

Jane had read enough SHIELD files to know the She-Hulk when she was looking at her.

"Big trouble," was all the She-Hulk said before collapsing on Sif, bowling her to the floor.

Jane felt a little embarrassed - and moreso later - that her first thought was speculation about relative densities of muscles and bone, and what must be required to pin down an Asgardian of that strength like the proverbial 99-lb weakling.

In a passable impersonation of Darcy, Sif asked "A little help, please?" and the other three came to assist.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~**

"Welcome back," Jane said when She-Hulk opened her eyes and saw Jane holding out a bowl of chicken soup.

Accepting the bowl and quaffing it in two swallows, the She-Hulk set the bowl down in her lap and said, "Sorry, not normally so...Brucey. But...agh, can't get the cotton taste out of my mouth. I'm Jen, by the way."

"Jane," Dr. Foster offered. "That's Darcy, and Sif, and -"

"Agent Hill," Jen said. "That explains why Bruce told me to come here."

Darcy knew what blushing looked like in someone trying not to visibly blush - _I've worked for Jane long enough, even when she was married_ \- and saw it on Maria. "I'm sure that's not the whole reason why," Agent Hill said, sounding remarkably professional to Darcy's ears, given what Darcy had just seen and heard.

Jen's snort was big enough for several of them.

Sif sneezed.

"Bless you. Again," Darcy said. "Oh for...how can you be out of tissues already?"

"Why did Dr. Banner think we could help?" Agent Hill asked Jen.

"It was supposed to be a surprise birthday party," the She-Hulk said. "That is, until the giant brains on stilts invaded."

 _It couldn't be. They're fictional... and I'm saying that in a room with a Norse goddess and a green woman. What the hell, why not?_ "Martians?" Jane asked.

"Martians," Maria said. _I got an invite to the party, but didn't feel like attending; not without my team, at least._

"Who?" Sif asked, sounding slightly underwater.

"But Mars is lifeless," Jen protested before collapsing backwards into the couch pillows.

"It was _dying_ a century ago," Maria said. "That was when they tried invading."

Jane frowned. "But...but I thought SHIELD was born during the Second World War."

"From the SSR, we were. But the SSR wasn't the only parent organization SHIELD has. Another is the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, or that's the story that's been handed down to us. The League faced off against the Martians, part of a one-two punch that sent them scurrying back home."

"Wait, wasn't the other punch something that nobody did...on purpose, anyway?"

Maria nodded.

Sif sneezed.

"Okay," Darcy said, "assuming that's what's going down, and that these Martians have weaponized the Common Cold...why are only two of us sick? Our new best friend here sneezed on all of us - no worries, by the way."

"Sorry," Jen said, wondering if she'd have to get angry in order to have the energy to sit up.

"Maybe they figured they should get the super-powered people incapacitated first?" Jane asked.

"And where's that leave us?" Darcy asked. _We don't even have glaives - they're being delivered tomorrow._ "Doubting tasers and running or acting will suffice here."

Muttering something about "cowardly Beowulf," Sif rolled off her couch and onto the floor, picking herself up and stepping over to where Darcy was standing, and placed a hand on Darcy's shoulder. "You toppled Thor, a feat many would throw feasts to mark. Of us, none can fly, three have short lives, two have no weapons training, one has snark. And we are a team of heroes. Heroines." And dozed off on her feet.

"She's right," Maria said. "We're not the Avengers, but even the Avengers aren't all superpowered - only three of them can fly, one more of bouncing, and the other two depending on machines to do the work for them - and we've already proven we're more than a match for the Avengers, brain-wise."

"Great. But-"

Jane picked it up: "And it doesn't matter how old and wise the Martians are, Darcy. We outsmarted Dr. Doom _and_ the Dwarves, and _they_ had a civilization back when horses were four-toed puppy-sized animals."

"I know, but -" Darcy said.

"We don't _need_ a name for our group to do great things," Maria said.

"No shit. But -"

"What, Darcy?" Jane asked.

"But can someone please move Sif's hand? I feel like a butterfly on display in a box; nonlethally pinned."

"Oh. Sorry."

 _To be fair, this isn't the worst position I've been stuck in while I worked with you, doc._ "Then lets go kick some Martian butt. They have butts, right?"

"No documentation says they do or don't," Maria said.

"Ah, suddenly the whole obsessively reporting all details shtick makes more sense in SHIELD," Darcy said. "Think we should leave a note saying where we went?"

Everyone nodded; or, everyone who wasn't asleep and had enough energy to spare for a head nod.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

Bouncing the ball back to where Natasha was perched, Clint 'Hawkeye' Barton took stock of their situation for the two hundredth time since they had been captured...personally, he blamed Stark. _Captain America's running a fever that could boil water. Iron Man's retracted his suit into some sort of techno-mattress and is - is he mewling? Thor's singing a sea shanty in a dead language and not really moving around much otherwise. Banner's lying on his back, snoring; the Other Guy had shown up, laid down, and dozed off - turned back into Banner, who said "that was novel" and dozed off himself._ There was just one thing that made no sense to him: _Why did those things let us keep our weapons, and why are me and Nat the only ones who aren't sick?_

She bounced the ball back to him.

The door whisked open and one of the big brains stilt-walked to just inside the room. Clint reached for an arrow while Natasha grabbed a serviceable makeshift weapon.

"WAIT!" Dr. Foster shouted, running into the room alongside the brain.

Clint and Natasha watched her, waiting for her to either give a damned good reason, or to show evidence of mind control.

"They surrendered," Dr. Foster said, but wasn't saying it to the brain.

"You talking to us?" Clint asked, providing a distraction so Natasha could get closer.

"It was a -"

"Do _not_ say 'misunderstanding', Jane," Darcy said, walking in after them, an egg of a lump poking out from the edge of her hairline.

Jane did look a little sheepish, making Clint suspect she'd been about to say exactly that. "A misreading," Jane amended.

**~~~~~**

Later, back at Avenger Tower, while all the superpowered people soaked their feet in heated tubs of water - a contextual irony Jarvis enjoyed pointing out, frequently - and downed what had to be gallons of chicken soup, "You said it was a misreading," Natasha said.

Jane nodded.

"Did they, in fact, actually surrender?"

"Welllll...no. They did tender an apology."

'Apology?" Stark asked, bundled up in more blankets than Scott of the Antarctic.

"At neither time did they come here on a war footing," Agent Hill replied. "They didn't realize that we interpreted their actions as those of war."

"What manner of brutes cannot know that their actions are hostile?" Thor asked, then ruined it with a flurry of sneezes.

"Remember Fandral's romantic interest on Muspelheim?" Sif groaned at him from across the room.

"Ah, the burns lasted a week. Fandral declared them most worth it."

"The Martians want to date us?" Steve asked, wishing his head would stop swimming.

"No, they saw their initial actions as pest control, preparing the ground so the refugees could arrive," Maria said. "This time, it was more like when you know the mosquitos are immune to DDT, and you need something more effective."

"I'm fine, by the way," Clint said, grinning at the look that Sif, Jen, and the Avengers were shooting him. "How did you figure out the Martians were all refugees?"

"The maps they were using," Jane said. "For some reason, Earth has a better position from which to search for habitable worlds they could move to. They needed Earth for a staging ground, not a new home."

"Why not set up shop on Earth?"

"We're more habitable than Mars, but it's still no picnic for them."

"Hence the liquid diet," Darcy said. "And the funny breathing noises."

"And _how_ did you get to the point where you could see their maps?" Natasha asked.

Hoping that Captain America didn't kill her, Darcy said in an obviously fake German accent, "Ve askedt to zee their paperz."

"Paperwork?" Pepper asked.

"Every civilization has it," Maria said, and Jane nodded miserably at that. "They saw nothing wrong in our request."

"It actually encouraged them to see us as even halfway intelligent," Jane said.

"You are more," Thor said before finishing off his latest bowl of chicken soup. Jane kissed his cheek and put an arm around him, hoping though that he didn't lean back and cut off the circulation.

"Good news," Agent Coulson said, walking in.

"Does this Common Cold invigorate the dead?" Thor asked his friends.

"Not the variants I'm familiar with," Bruce said.

"Zombies!" Sif and Darcy said as one.

"We can address my survival another time," Phil said. "For right now, Director Fury has asked me to relay his personal congratulations and dismay to the heroines of the hour."

"Dismay?" Darcy asked while Sif threw a large pillow at him. _Aim's getting better. Missed by a few inches this time._

"The Martians have stated their wish to bequeath their ruins and all associated technology and research, to the team who made their relocation possible; they'll be staying with us for a little while, thankfully not too long. And, as you don't yet have a name, that makes things...lets call them difficult," putting it mildly.

"We don't need no stinking name. We still carried the day." _Okay, starting to channel Sif and Thor there. Maybe the Captain too?_

"Be that as it may -" Phil started to say.

"LADIES!" Tony shouted as he started to get to his feet, then fell back into the couch.

"Some things change, others do not, and a few revert," Jarvis said to Pepper.

"Amen," Pepper replied.

"'S a name," Tony muttered.

"The Lovely And Dangerous individuals, Extremely Smart," Clint said, offering a way to make Tony's outburst into an acronym, whether he meant it as one or not. _With how they're all feeling, better not to assume._

"Thank you, Clint, but I believe that removing Tony's foot from his mouth is my job," Pepper said, her tone indicating she appreciated it.

"Why is he 'Clint'?" Tony asked, feeling a sense of deja vu.

Maria asked, "How about SWORD?"

"A Screamers reference, Agent Hill?" Tony asked.

"He insulting us?" Sif asked. Maria shook her head.

"Farthest thing from my mind," Tony said. "Awesome movie. And if we're doing acronyms, I was thinking more about the Super-powered Women Of Royally powerful Defenses."

"Righteous Deeds," Maria said.

"Or the Society," Jane said. "Since we've just proven we don't need superpowers to defeat aliens."

Sif nodded.

Thor tried not to make a face, unable to keep from remembering how nearly-useless he himself had been when sans powers.

"Oooh, I know!" Darcy said. "When..." What really worried everyone was that, as Darcy was saying it, Jarvis was dimming the lights. "When SHIELD can't get it done... when the Avengers aren't right for the job... SHIELD calls in an elite strike force made up of the best of the best. Their name? SWORD!"

"Closest thing to closing credits I think any of us would want, so, yeah, great," Tony said.

Clint offered, "Or you could be the BAMF."

Darcy asked, "Bad-ass mother-fu- ??"

"No," he interrupted. "Brigade of Ass-kicking Mewling Fighters," and him and Natasha did something people rarely saw: they snickered. "Or rather the Brigade of Ass-kicking non-Mewling Fighters."

"Oh god, I didn't...did I?" Tony asked.

Natasha just gave him one of her more 'i know something you'd rather i didn't know' smiles. _And here I thought Clint was referring to my conversation with Loki...despite my not being a part of that team._

"I like SWORD," Jane says.

"Trust me," Pepper said before anyone could speak ill or remark on a downside to one of the names, "Some people make a full-time job of deliberately misinterpretting things. And some like to misinterpret things that couldn't possibly be misread - when Tony's better, he'll tell you about the time he claimed The Hunting of the Snark was a sequel to The Kama Sutra."

Tony groaned, then tried to hide under his blankets.

"That must've been interesting," Jen said.

Pepper nodded. "Took a week to get those robes back to the Supreme Court, though."

"Why didn't you join up and fight to defend New York? Hm?" Tony asked Jen.

"Nobody invited me," Jen replied, looking at Agent Hill.

"I would've," Steve offered. "If... If I knew you...," and returned to nursing his soup.

"Thank you kindly," Jen told him. To everyone else, "By and large, me and Bruce don't go places we're not invited. Safer for everyone that way."

"Can I be a godfather?" Tony asked.

"What, you don't have the connections already?" Darcy asked him.

"I'm afraid we cannot comment on that," Jarvis said.

"Huh. Asked and answered, then."

"I know, I know," Tony said, "that ol' Doc Banner takes priority, but if there's going to be little green babies - or not, pink babies or any babies," he amended when Jen and Bruce both shot him very deadly green-eyed glares, "I'd like to put my name in for the job of godfather. And doting uncle. 'Cause I can dote. You guys haven't _seen_ how largesse I can largesse."

Pepper made a face, clearly remembering an example of Starkian largesse that perhaps hadn't gone entirely according to plan.

Everyone was very silent for a long while, until Jane asked, "What are you basing this offer on?" pretty sure she just missed a big obvious clue.

"The obvious UST in the room," Tony said.

"Whose?" Phil and Maria asked.

 _Not going there. Don't even want to imagine..._ "Why, Lord and Lady Patriotism, of course."

Steve frowned, wondering why Stark couldn't do this when everyone was at the top of their game, as opposed to, oh, say, now.

"Considering that's one of the top three worst Statue of Liberty references I've ever heard," Jen said, _and I'll apologize if he's not talking to me,_ "it's more than a bit of a leap to draw that conclusion from my saying one thing to him."

"And did you hear how he talked to you? My god, is this what life as cupid is like?"

Sif hit him with a fluffy pillow.

"Good throw," Thor and Jane and Bruce and Maria congratulated her. Darcy just handed her more ammo.


	5. Pepper's news, and Loki's request

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought to share this: [She's got the kind of heart that breaks](http://youtu.be/SSBWUZHujKQ)...a song which, imho, describes the team very well. (particularly when you watch the video - its fun)

"Sorry," Pepper said when the team walked in and found Pepper sitting in their common room; and saw Pepper had appearantly brought several pizzas and wine with her. "I let myself in. Kind of a habit, I -"

"You wanted to see us?" Maria asked. _Why else would you be here? Unless - oh shit, please don't tell me Fury's dead. I do NOT want to be Director._

"Tony and Thor just tried to kill each other."

Jane stopped where she was. "What? WhyyY?!" as Sif took the opportunity to correct the slight dislocation Jane's shoulder had gained during the evening's crimefighting. "While I wasn't as stunned as either of us might have thought, thanks," Jane told Sif, who waved it off.

"Thor thought Tony was talking about you," Pepper told Jane, "and Tony thought Thor was talking about me."

"Were they in their cups?" Sif asked.

"No, they were both completely sober."

"And they couldn't tell you apart?" Maria asked. "I'm with Sif on this one."

Darcy nodded agreement.

Pepper said, "Took them five minutes before they moved from describing how much they loved their fiancees, to actually describing us - and even then, another five minutes before Tony and Thor realized they weren't talking about the same person."

"How'd they do that?" Darcy asked, taking a seat, hoping nobody minded if she didn't sniff her wine glass first. "I mean, no offense, but you and Jane aren't exactly confusable."

"In any sense of the word," Sif agreed.

Maria nodded. 

"According to Jarvis," Pepper said, "one of the causes was Tony saying he had the love of the most beautiful woman in the universe."

"Oh," Jane said. "I think I can see Thor's confusion."

"Understandable, at least," Sif said.

"What, that he fights to defend her honor, or that they got in a fight over which of them had the love of a woman?" Maria asked.

"If Thor cannot defend Jane's honor, then that makes him a terrible friend for her, and even worse as lover, husband, or king. And if Thor shows signs of failing his future as a king, it is my duty to kick sense into him."

"Dibs on helping," Darcy piped up. 

Maria shook her head. "Intergalactic travel, technology that made us think you were gods... And you still think women can't defend themselves?"

In a voice that would freeze Jotunheim, Sif said, "I would be within my rights to prove you wrong on two counts, three if you count your being beaten and thrashed by I, a slender woman of Asgard." Taking a deeeeeeeeeeep breath and exhaling it out her nose, Sif said, calmer "It has naught to do with sex, friend Hill, and that is why I do not challenge you for that statement. If you are absent when someone slanders you in the earshot of one of us, would you be insulted if we took them to task for their slander?"

"No."

"We are your friends. We are your team. We are therefore twice-bound to act thusly in the absence of those who are spoken ill of."

"Thor's thrice-bound?" Darcy asked. "Cool. That's a friend-based honor system?"

"Yes," Sif said. "It's the only one that works when you live for millenia. Unless you're an elf. So, who won the fight?"

"Jarvis did," Pepper said. "He intervened before they broke the fourth wall."

Darcy was surprised that Maria too snerked at that.

"Anyway," Pepper said, "I just thought to come by -"

"And smooth over any ruffled feathers with pizza and wine?" Darcy asked. "Not objecting, just wondering."

"I'll spoil the surprise then: underneath the bottommost box of pizza, I placed my application to join your team."

Referring to the food, "Bribery?" Maria asked, no malice or offense in it.

Also meaning the food, "A gift."

"You own the building," Jane pointed out.

"Legally, the Avengers do; I hold it in trust for them," Pepper said. "Tony and I considered renaming it 'Superhero Team Tower,' but -"

"Too big a risk of freeloaders coming to town?" Maria guessed.

"Actually I just didn't like the name."

"Thinga?" Sif asked. "Aye."

"Aye," Jane agreed.

"Aye aye," Darcy said.

"Aye," Maria said, "welcome to the team, Pepper Potts."

"And no, none of us get cool nicknames," Darcy forewarned Pepper.

"Strange," Pepper said. "I thought you were Darcy 'The Silent's Heir' Lewis."

**~~~~~~~**  
 **What happened before that...**

_"You seem greatly pleased and joyous, friend Stark," Thor said._

_"Course I am. It's because I'm in love with the most beautiful and amazing woman in -" and stopped himself before saying 'in the world' figuring that that wouldn't be very impressive to a guy like Thor. "In the whole universe."_

_Thor opened one hand, and Mjolnir flew into it. "That is a lie! She does not love you! Renounce that claim you make!"_

_"Over my dead body, bub. I don't lie - well, not about important subjects like women."_

_"She could never love you when it is I who hold her heart!" Thor declared. "She is the sun who rises and sets and illuminates all things!"_

_"Corny, but true. That's her. Utterly perfect."_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

Maria and Darcy stepped out of the quinjet once it landed atop Avenger Tower to meet Jane there. "You sounded urgent," Maria said.

Jane nodded. "I don't know how it got here, but it did, and I asked Jarvis to look into it, and -"

"And breathe," Darcy said, used to these not-quite-panic-attacks from _the old days, back before gods started falling out of the sky._

She took a breath, then nodded her thanks. "Sif got a message. And then she went on the warpath." Jane blinked. "Wait, that wasn't very ni-"

Darcy coughed. "Dissect the accidentalness of word choices later, please?"

"The Tower still seems to be standing," Maria observed.

"Well," Jane said, "so far, it's been more of doing laps around the room, laying waste to anything that's remotely in her way; I think she's psyching herself up for something."

"What's she been saying?" Maria asked.

"Pretty impressive stuff," Jane said. "I'm _hoping_ she doesn't mean any of it, or that it's as referential as when we say 'zounds' or the 'God's Wounds' that it comes from."

"That isn't ominous at all," Darcy said in a reasonably deadpan impression of Agent Coulson.

"Well, it's giving me insight into what the Asgardian language is like, since - you know how it translates into what the hearer can understand? Well, Sif switched into Latin at times - so I heard the masculine, feminine, and neuter versions of 'to actively perform intercourse with a boulder' and 'may eels eat your hovercraft' and something that I think was 'may all your apocalypses be flooded.'"

"Yeah, that sounds pissed. Did she say who's going to be impaled before the night's through?"

"Name of Loki."

Maria shook her head. "What did he do this time?"

**~~~~~~**

"He asked me to be the deciding vote on if he and Hod should be the nucleus of a -" and she said an Asgardian word; when the next words were spoken, her mouth was closed: "Adventurers. Raiding party. Team. Band."

"It never gets old, watching the poorly-dubbed part of Allspeech," Darcy said nicely.

Sif nodded.

"A new nucleus suggests there was an old one," Jane said.

'There was. Myself, Loki, Thor, Fandral, Volstagg, Sigyn, Gudrun, Hogun."

"Fun times?" 

"Until our final venture as a team. After that...Sigyn rarely emerged from the library's storage rooms, Gudrun requested a transfer, and Hogun almost completely stopped talking."

"Can you pass the aye/nae job to someone else?" Maria asked.

"Couldn't," Sif said. "Team formation is one of the few things Odin does not oversee in any way. And if I provide no answer, or attempt to have another answer for me, then Loki will no longer be captive - and not on a team."

"Huh?"

"Loki has tied his future good behavior to being on a team; drew parallels to his actions while he was part of the prior team. If I refuse his admittance and say why, that keeps him locked away. If I refuse his admittance to a team, but say nothing - or refuse him by not answering -"

"Then it's as good as saying there's no reason for him to be locked up?" Jane asked.

"Aye," Sif said.

"This explains the cursing earlier."

"Apologies, I am not as good as I once was."

"You're not talking about moral stuff, are you?" Darcy asked.

"I was once quite accomplished at cursing. Taught Loki and Fandral half their repertoire."


	6. Hire and span

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen and Pepper chat.
> 
> Tony and Thor reveal the truth to Hod.
> 
> And Thor's daughter wishes to hire the team.

Pepper walked into the Stark Industries lounge to grab a salad and a water between meetings, and sat down at the lounge table when she saw an old friend sitting there. "Nice to have you back, Jen."

"I'm just visiting," Jennifer Walters said, as she turned a page.

"Good book?" Pepper asked.

"Yep," Jen said. "You read it before?"

"Once. Didn't think much of it."

"I guess you have to appreciate the jokes where they are," Jen said.

"There are jokes in The strange case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?" Pepper asked.

"Sure. Firstly, the assumption that Hyde is the bad guy because he's smaller."

 _I understand her reference - I've seen SHIELD's video of Dr. Banner before and after a change; and I know how tall Jen used to be - but still..._

They didn't say anything for a while after that. Until -

"Go on."

"What?" Pepper asked.

"You're dying to ask me something."

 _Several somethings, actually._ And, picking just one: "You haven't given any thought to joining the team?"

Jen peeked over her book. "No, I haven't. Being an Agent of S.M.A.S.H. is enough for me. No idea how Bruce handles being on two high-stress teams."

"Yoga?" Pepper asks, and they both crack up at that.

Because, "Now that's exactly the sort of answer our boss would've given, back in the day," Jen says. Back before that critical transfusion, and before what had prompted it, Jen and Pepper had both been high-ranking employees of SI, with Jen on the legal team which had worked with Pepper to mitigate a lot of Tony's more...astonishing behavior.

"Your old corner office is still available," Pepper offered, in case it would help.

"Thanks, but I still don't think your boyfriend would appreciate me returning. I helped Obadiah with the legal documents that nearly removed Tony from the company in anything more than a figurehead role."

"You underestimate Tony. And I can't really blame you for that - everybody does at some point. But you don't need to worry -"

"I'm not."

"- Tony will do the right thing, and give you back your job. All you need to do is ask."

Smiling, "Like I said, I've already got a high-stress job," Jen said. "But thanks again. I appreciate it."

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

"How did you have any part to play in it?"

 _It hurts that you're so skeptical._ Tony said, "Pepper told me she was giving serious thought to asking to join their team, mentioned she had filled out an application form - no, not one of theirs...an SI application form, since superhero teams don't have application forms, which may be for the best, actually. So I just...ah, I put my foot in the door."

"With my assistance," Thor said.

"Yep, Thor was a huge help. And not just with Pepper - normally to have an excuse to renovate that many rooms in the Tower, I have to be testing a bad suit design, throwing a rowdy party, or fighting off evil aliens with hoverboard capacity."

"Then you did not truly quarrel?" Hod asked.

"We would never question the loyalties of those who love us," Thor said.

"Spoken like a king-to-be."

Thor let that slide. "Were Stark and myself to do battle over women, it would be over whether Jane or Pepper is the more intelligent and capable and lovely."

"Yeap, that's Pepper," Tony remarked. "Not that I need another set of renovations this soon - I kinda like this carpet, for one. So, agree to disagree some more?"

"Very well," Thor said.

"So," Tony said before another pall of silence could descend, "what brings you all the way out here from...?"

"Asgard," Jarvis supplied.

"Hod is coming with myself and Jane," Thor said. "She insisted we teach him how to partake in a double date. And something involving the Dutch."

"Now, I may be an obscenely wealthy young man with cash coming out my - nevermind," Tony said, figuring it would be more trouble than its worth to explain 'out the wazoo' to them, "but I don't think I was ever bad enough at math to think that a double date could work with less than, say, four people."

"And we are bringing Sif."

 _Then why didn't you say that a moment ago? Oh..._ "Does _she_ know that?" Tony asked, and Hod looked at Thor as if to suggest that he didn't know Thor's answer either.

"No," Thor said in a remarkably small voice.

Hod said, "I believe the human expression is 'that marks your cairn, Thor.'"

"Actually, close, it's 'it's your funeral'," Tony said.

"My thanks."

_So..._

"In fact," Hod said, "I am here so that Sif does not need leave her friends and new loyalties for any length. I will relay her answer to the Allmother and Loki."

"What about Odin?" Tony asked. _He's important, right?_ and asked something along those lines...though in a more Tony Stark way.

Thor sucked in a breath.

Hod said, "The Allfather is bound by the agreements of his patriarchs - he can never involve himself in team-building."

"Huh," Tony said.

"There is a thing I have heard great things about," Hod said. "I hoped to experience it for myself."

"Name it, buddy."

"Hod," he said, thinking Tony was attempting to rename him. "When last we were here, I did not sample pizza. I would like to, this time."

"That's it?" Tony asked. "You come all this way to deliver a message and eat pizza?"

"Yes."

"Do you not like pizza, friend Stark?" Thor asked.

Tony wondered where Banner and the others were - they tended to be better at explaining this stuff than he was. "I love pizza. But to come all this way, just for pizza..."

"The pizza is a bonus," Hod said. "My primary reason was to be a relay."

DUM-E made a noise that was probably his way of saying 'join the club.'

"I'm sure Sif'll appreciate your coming out of your way to take a message," Tony said.

Hod gave him a funny look.

"What?"

"What do you think I do with my time, Stark?" Hod asked him. "Weapons are forbidden me, as is cooking, near all sports and pasttimes. I was permitted this because I can cross through the slivers between those empty spaces betwixt the Realms."

Thor was quick to add that "Hod is a superb strategist. It is perhaps for the best that it was Loki and not he, who invaded your world."

"Thanks, buddy," Tony said. "So, pizza now or later? I think the ladies are having a meeting right now."

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**At that meeting:**

The fact that a small ball lightning had shown up and evaporated shortly before Thrud had arrived to ask if she could hire the team's services, had been a somewhat small clue in understanding who they were dealing with. "May I employ you to help me? Will you be a boon on my behalf?" she asked them, pleading.

She'd given her name shortly after coming into the room - **_Thrud_**.

"What exactly do you want us to do, Thrud?" Maria asked.

"End my father's reign of terror," Thrud said.

"Who's your dad?" Darcy asked.

"Thor, son of Odin."

"Reign of terror?" Jane repeated.

Thrud nodded. "The last suitor who braved my father's temper, ended up baked in the sunlight. Alas poor Alvis."

Jane and Maria looked over to Sif for confirmation.

Sif said, "Dwarves don't handle bright lights well. Alvis had a low toleration even for a Dwarf."

"You can convince my father to not harm my present suitor, yes? I fear for his mind and the safety of the rest of him, but you can ensure his continuance in wellness?" Thrud asked them. "You are my father's friends and comrades, and my aunt's shieldmaiden. Please!"

"What's your b- suitor's name?" Darcy asked.

"Peter Parker he introduced himself to me as. I believe him to be one of the thurses."

 _Oh good, at least she wasn't dating Von Doom; not sure how guilty we'd all feel if that were the case,_ Darcy thought.

 _Parker..._ Maria thought, feeling it to be familiar, like she'd seen it in a report.

"Remember the Scorpion Warriors?" Sif asked. "Like them, only spiders who can appear human when they will themselves to."

"Spiderman," Maria said. _That explains why the name sounded familiar._

Sif shrugged. Thrud smiled excitedly.

"Sure," Darcy declared. "We'll talk with your dad about it. Maybe sit the three of you down for a civil dinner and ha- smooth out the problems."

 _That actually works outside of movies?_ Jane wondered. _And were you about to say 'hammer out'?_

"That sounds agreeable," Thrud said. "It will be interesting to have a family meal. On Asgard, we tend to eat either with our fostered families, or with our compatriots."

"It'll work," Jane said.

"So, when we've got this handled, and Thor's willing to meet with Peter for a chat where nothing bad happens," Darcy asked, "how do we get in touch with you?"

"I have a job," Thrud said with a great deal of pride. "Mine card," and handed one to each of the team. "I thank all of you, and am in your debts," and she left.

Maria looked at the card Thrud had given her: _**Dot r. Billings**_ was the name Thrud was going by, according to it.


	7. Meet the...everyone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (this one veers well towards the Asgardian end of the teams; and I nearly scrapped all but the "while its going on" scene for that reason)

**while all the rest of this chapter is going on...**

"So, anybody care to place a bet?" 

"Bet on what?" Black Widow asked, having volunteered to go on patrol with them while their teammates were otherwise engaged.

Having joined them after leaving the others, Darcy answered, "If Jen kills Stark for setting her up on a blind date, or if Sif kills Thor for the same."

"Ten bucks says the ceiling collapses before either of them are hurt badly."

Looking over at where Maria was keeping silent, "Not like you to run silent run deep when - okay, it is, but still. What do you think?"

"I think we expect it of Stark," Maria said, "given how he's never one to turn down an opportunity to meddle with other peoples' lives."

"*cough*cough*SHIELD*cough*" Natasha said sotto voice.

Darcy smiled and nodded, but said nothing.

Maria said, "Thor, on the other hand, has known Sif for - from what we've gleaned from comments each of them have made - at least a thousand years."

"Maybe Thor figures a little Earthly tradition can help two of his old friends be happy together?" Darcy asked.

"Tradition?" Natasha repeated. "Blind dates?"

"Hey, worked for my parents. Well, that was as much an arranged marriage as a blind date, but still. So, Maria, what do you think - Sif or Jen?"

"Why pick?" Maria asked. "Tag-team demolition is always a joy," Maria said.

"Huh. Now we know what to get you tickets for for your birthday."

* * *

"Shit," Sif said, stopping where she stood, at the front of their group.

The plan had been that Thrud would sit and wait at the restaurant, then they would meet her there, and then and only then would Pepper and Tony bring Thor over. That had been the plan, and it'd been a good plan until this.

Until they came across a trackway of broad and deep footprints - _bootprints_ \- heading into the nearby woods. "Jarnsaxa," Sif said.

"You sure?" Jane asked, looking at them. "They're boots."

"Few things use this tread pattern. The Iron Man is supposed to be behind us, Sigyn is allergic to conifers and thus would not walk toward those trees, and Angrboda prefers to be barefoot where there is soil."

"So...on a scale of one to ten, how bad is this?" Darcy asked as they looked at the bootprints pressed into the Park's ground. _Not the hugest gouges in the ground, so unless she's got special shoes on, she can't be Destroyer-big._ "One is that everything's hunky-dory and those picnic tables we just passed was her idea of kidding around. Ten is the invasion of New York."

"I do not know," Sif said.

"I thought you said Jarnsaxa used to go adventuring with you guys all the time." _Back when we were trading stories of pre-team adventures._

"She did. But as Thor considers me a comrade in arms and nearly a foster sister, Jarnsaxa is -"

"Friends with benefits?"

"More like Mjolnir," Sif said.

Darcy made a face. "I could so have gone the rest of my life without that image, thankfyousoverymuch."

"What image?"

"I can't explain it, not without a metric ton at least of the bestest chocolate on Earth.

"So Thor and Jarnsaxa were close?" Jane asked.

"She was his right hand," Sif said. "For over a thousand years."

"What happened? If I can ask."

"Thor offered her retirement. Loki had fallen away, Thor was bereft without you, and the Bifrost was broken."

"So, she's -- Wait a minute, am I _bait_?" Jane asked.

One of the trees up ahead, toppled over, and a woman stepped past where the tree had been, and into the light. "No, _Sif_ would be bait, for her failure to recover our prince from a planet trying to kill him."

"And where were you?" Jane felt she had to ask. "You're Jarnsaxa?"

"I am. And I was in Asgard, growing back my leg." _That is why I could not come on the move against Jotunheim._

"I thought you'd be taller," Darcy said.

"I am a giantess, not a Jotuness," Jarnsaxa replied. "Sif's brother has more mixed blood than do I, an Etin's granddaughter."

"We are not discussing Heimdall, we are going to work," Sif replied. "Your daughter has hired us as security."

"She invited me as well. Shall we proceed, shieldsister, or do you intend to banter away the time?"

As they resumed traveling towards the restaurant, Jane stepped closer to Jarnsaxa and asked "When you say 'growing back a leg'..."

* * *

**Meanwhile...**

"You clean up nice," Pepper informed Tony as she fixed his tie again, _I swear, he must be mussing this thing up every time I turn my back._

Tony said, "Thanks; you too, only lots moreso than me. Not that I'm humble or anything, you're just that much better."

She smiled. "Flatterer."

"If the shoe fits."

"Or the titanium boot."

"You saw that?"

"It arrived in the mail this morning," Pepper said. "Gift from a fan?"

"That'd be my guess."

"Speaking of games, you want to tell me why you're so insistent that Jen Walters and Steve Rogers both attend? This is supposed to be a nice, low-key family get-together... And I know people don't use those words to describe you, Tony, but still." And the look in her eyes told him that she was going to stand there until he explained himself - and that if she didn't budge, she wasn't going to let him either.

"Asgardians are _strong_ , Pepper," Tony said. "We're going to have four of them in close proximity, in an enclosed space - and with how hush Thor's been keeping about what happened with him and his daughter, I wanted a contingency plan in place."

One fine eyebrow arched at him. "You don't trust my team?"

"I trust you ladies to the Moon and beyond. But on the off chance that they get past you..."

"Ah. And here I thought you were doing it to set Jen and Steve up on a date."

And there was that playful grin and knowing glint in his eyes. "Not my primary goal, but I won't object."

"I'm sure," Pepper said.

"Also, if you and me and Dr. Foster are the only mortals there, that would kinda get suspicious if we were the only ones asking questions or saying things to derail arguments that could end in property damage." Tony held up his hands, "Not that I mind paying, but I'd rather not have god-fights on my watch."

Pepper smiled.

"What?"

"So then, does that mean that you think Thor and his friends really are gods?" she teased him.

"Nope. Just keeping Clarke's Law in mind."

"I see. When an older and distinguished gentleman states something, he is almost certainly wrong. Aren't you older than most of the other Avengers?"

"Other law," Tony muttered, neither admitting nor conceeding. "So, what do you think's gonna happen? At the dinner."

"As opposed to later?" meeting that mischevious glint with one of her own. "So long as we can keep all the weapons sheathed, I think we have a good chance of success."

Tony nodded. "Yeah, all we need to do is keep Thor from pulling - what's it called?"

"Mew mew," Pepper said.

* * *

**Meanwhile...**

"Miss Thrud?" Steve asked when the waiter guided him through the nearly-empty restaurant to the private birthday-party room, where only one person was already sitting at the large round table.

"I am she," she said, offering her hand as the locals do. "I answer to the name of Thrud."

"Steve Rogers," he said, shaking her hand.

"One of my father's latest compatriots."

Steve nodded. "He's a good man.

* * *

**Once everyone else arrived...**

"I have one question," Sif said.

"Yes?" Thrud asked.

"My teammates pronounced the name on your card. Why would you call yourself _Billings Daughter_?"

"Grandfather was thwarted by the woman he loved, and I was thwarted from ever ever loving the man I cared for."

Thor glowered.

"You did," Sif told him.

A series of sounds drew everyone to their feet and out the door, hands reaching for their armaments.

Coming down the street - stumbling at times - was some apartment-sized mechanical monster which kept firing in all directions, shooting at a tiny object doing acrobatics around it.

Darcy drew her taser, Jen made fists, Steve readied his shield, Thor drew Mjolnir, Sif drew her glaive, Jarnsaxa drew her spear, Tony signaled for his Iron Man suit to drop from a nearby building and let him in.

The monster's scuttling legs flinched together sharply and down the entire thing fell, the acrobat leaping up and away - 

The machine fell, its nearest part only fifteen feet away from the two teams standing there, ready.

\- and the acrobat landed between it and them.

"I'm going to guess," Jen said, "that you're Spiderman."

"You got it," Spiderman said, and then saw who was standing with the superheroes. Spiderman pulled his mask off.

"I told you he wouldn't be late," Thrud said proudly to Thor and Jarnsaxa.

"I'm starting to understand your father's reservations," Jarnsaxa said.

"Why?" Peter asked. "It's the mask, isn't it? Or the..." and he trailed off before he asked these _superheroes_ about his disguise.

"Hey, no sweat, had to make a last-minute stop-the-bad-guy fight," Tony said to him. "I'm sure you had a nice suit or jeans or whatever kids are wearing these days, til that point. Tony Stark," holding out a hand. "And you are...?"

"Peter Parker," Peter said, coming forward to shake Tony's hand. "And may I say, sir, that it's an honor to meet you? Your daughter -"

"Lemme stop you right there. Say those nice things to the guy standing next to me; that's the dad."

"Oh. Sorry," he said to Tony and to Thor, as he turned to offer his hand to Thor. "Your daughter is a brilliant woman, sir, and -"

Thor asked him, "What can you tell me which I do not already know?" taking Parker's hand in his, and not shaking it, but also not letting go. _I shall have an answer._

Steve noticed that none of the Asgardians - _not even Thrud_ \- were making a move to stop Thor. _Because he's a prince, or because this is normal for meeting parents in Asgard?_ "Uh, guys, maybe we should take this inside? SHIELD's on their way to deal with the mess," though in fact SHIELD vans had just arrived.

Thor let go of Peter's hand and shoved him toward the door back into the restaurant.

"Sorr-" Pepper started to say to Thrud.

"Why? This is going better than I had feared it would," she said.

_I've heard of having low expectations, but that takes the cake._

Once everyone had sat down at the table, where the wait staff had given everyone a small plate of bread for appetizer, Thor said to Peter, "Now, I will have that answer."

"I can't answer the question," Peter said.

Jane wondered if this was what Darcy called 'facepalm time'.

"Because I don't know what you know about her," Peter said.

Thor nodded. "A clever answer. In times past, I might have wondered if you were Loki in disguise, playing some manner of trick upon us all."

"So, Thrud," Tony asked, "what do you do for a living?"

"Landscaping," she said. "It's a family tradition."

Thor's face did not look happy. "Mind your tongue, daughter."

"What's wrong with following in the footsteps of your relatives?" Jane asked Thor.

Thrud giggled.

"I second the question," Tony said.

"You may second all you wish," Thor said, "but it is not relevant to the important issue which brings us here together."

"Dinner?"

"I am famished," Sif said, hoping to help change the course of conversation.

Hod pushed his plate over to Sif.

Before anyone could say anything, Sif said, "I am not going into battle, Hod, take back your plate."

He did as he was told.

_This may be harder than I thought,_ Tony considered. "So, Hod, what's it like?"

"I do not understand your question," Hod said.

"You know, the travel, all the places you get to go."

"I walk from world to world in the Nine Realms on errands when urgency is required. It is nothing remarkable."

"Is it something anybody can do?" Tony challenged him.

"Only Loki, Odin, and perhaps Heimdall the brother of Sif," said Hod.

_Aaand everything comes back to you, ma'am._ "Then that's a pretty special ability you've got."

Hod shrugged.

And Tony really hoped Thor was reading from the same script when Thor opened his mouth: "Verily, Hod's skill at traversing the spaces between worlds, is matched only by his grasp of tactics and strategy."

"What profession do you profess, Peter Parker?" Hod asked.

Tony wondered, _Are you deliberately shooting yourself in the foot, Hod my friend, or are you more allergic to the spotlight than I never was?_

"I'm a photographer," Peter said.

"A what?"

"I take photos, pictures. Of people, places, events, all sorts of things."

"Ah. You are an artist. A painter," Hod said.

Pepper wasn't sure of the two of them who looked more shocked - Tony or Jane - and who looked more scandalized.

Thought one of them, _You guys have been sitting on faster-than-light technology for literally billions of years...and the closest you can come to a camera is a painter?_

"Um, yeah," Peter said, taking it in stride. "If you don't mind my asking -"

"Ask," Thrud encouraged him.

"Okay. I can't quite place your accents. Where are you all from?"

"Asgard," Thor said. Then he looked at Jane, and asked her "Did you just try to kick me?"

"I didn't try," Jane replied.

"Please do not do that again," he asked of her. "With the exception of the Starks here, and yourself, we are all from Asgard."

"Ontario or Texas?" Peter asked.

"Yggdrasil." And Jane kicked him again. "If you think yourself worthy of pursuing my daughter, best that you know whom you are facing now."

"Her father and his friends."

_You got cajones, kid,_ Tony thought with a grin. "If you ever need a reference, here's my card," and handed him one.

"Thanks," Peter said.

"Ditto if you need medical attention, in the next five minutes or whenever."

"O-kay."

"You have heard our names," Thor said to Peter, "and they do not resonate with familiarity in your mind?"

"Nope," Peter answered him.

"Count it as a win," Jane suggested. "At least he doesn't think you're crazy."

Tony nodded. "Like she said, big guy. And I thought that, even with you landing on the plane like we were in the Twilight Zone."

Thrud asked, "Do you believe in thurses, Mr. Stark?"

"I believe in lots of stuff," Tony said. "Even in giant aliens."

"Thurses are not giants."

"You have not as yet met giant aliens," Thor informed him.

"Big skywhales don't count?" Tony asked.

"As mindless pets, perhaps, or beasts of burden."

"Why do you smell of ozone?" Hod asked.

"Who, me?" Tony asked.

"No, Thrud's interest."

"I..." Peter said, his mind racing; _Before I turned my attention to the mechanical thing I dealt with right before this dinner, I got zapped a few times while taking down some electro-guy. How did he pick that up?_ "I was helping my aunt with the fuse box earlier, and I got a bit of a shock."

"Relax," Tony told him, "if there's anybody on the planet who can understand, it's us."

"Okay...I...am...Spiderman," Peter said.

"Thurs," said Thor.

"I don't even know what that is. I'm sorry, but I don't."

"Man-sized humanoid spiders," Thrud said. "And I have no problem with you being one."

"Um, do you have a problem with me not being one?" he asked, hoping she didn't say Yes to that.

Thrud reached into her breast pocket and pulled a tattered piece of webbing out.

"Where is that waiter?" Jane wondered aloud, trying to flag someone down.

"We should back up a little," Pepper suggested. To Peter, "Tony and myself, you know at least by reputation. Sif and Thor and the others, they're from a bit further out of town."

Taking it from there, Thor said, "I am Thor, brother of Loki and son of Odin, who is the son of Bor the king before him, much as Bor was the son of Buri, king and founder of my dynasty."

Thrud shot Jane a look that said 'and this is what you'll be marrying into.' "Why do you object, father? Time and again, I have asked this of you, and never do you answer."

"I need not answer," Thor said.

Narrowing her eyes, "What objection can you raise, that cannot be leveled against your Jane?"

Jane turned and paid very special attention to his answer on this.

Jen and Steve both suspected that, if either of them interupted at this point, things would leap from bad to worse in both short-term and long-term matters.

Thrud said, "If Peter is a thurs, as you claim, then should he ever attempt to eat me, I will stand atop his conquered corpse. If Peter is not a thurs, as he claims, then I will outlive him even after he ages to death. What is there aside from that?"

"You are my daughter," Thor said.

"Yes," Thrud said. "Though not the only daughter you are likely to have - Jane will see to that."

"Ex-cuse me?" Jane asked, and couldn't think of what objection she wanted to raise first to that.

"And none of them will be you, Thrud, my daughter," Thor informed her. "I will care for any children Jane may wish to bestow upon me, but it means not that I care any less for you, Thrud Thorsdottir, Thrud Jordkin, Thrud Odinkin, Thrud Jarnsaxasdottir."

"You caused the death of Alvis," Thrud reminded him.

"You were young. If you started a family, though that would increase my family, it would also mean that you were no longer - I knew you were an adult long before Alvis, but... Though I am no god of the hearth, I sought to defend those who I call my own, those whom I care for. You could never be replaced, Thrud, and I would never seek to replace you; nor to set you aside or cast you aside, or to permit you to fall away..."

"You wanted her to be your little girl a while longer," Peter said.

Thor nodded.

Sif glared at Thor. " _That_ was your reason? I spent fifty years looking for links between Alvis and the Sons of Ivaldi, and I hesitate to ask what Loki was doing to explain away your action."

"Hey, ease off," Tony said. "I think it's a great reason. Granted I'm no fan of how he's supposed to have carried it out, but still." _I just hope we haven't scared off the waiters entirely - I'd like to see a menu before the clock strikes 12._

Jane reached out to Thrud and, when her arm fell short, set down her hand, palm up. "I don't want to be your enemy, Thrud. I'd like to be your friend, if you let me. And I want you to know that, no matter what happens or doesn't happen between your father and I, you will always be welcome in my house. Or wherever I'm living."

Thrud reached over and patted Jane's palm appreciatively. "Never have I harbored malice toward you, Jane Foster," Thrud said. "That has not changed and, though I have none of the Allmother's gifts, I do not foresee that changing."

Thor said, "Excellent, now -"

"Father, on the other hand, I do harbor it toward."

Thor exhaled, and Tony and Sif were both a little unnerved by how much the big guy seemed to age in that moment. Thought Tony, _Not a thunder god right now, now he's more like Titan or whats-his-name who holds up the planet? I'll save the Sisyphus comparison for when Loki looks like that._

"I deserve that," Thor said. "Before, you have always refused my attempts to reconcile and make amends. Has that changed, that I may begin to earn my way into your toleration, daughter?"

"It would be easy for me to say that the first step would be to bless Peter," Thrud said. "But lo that would be far too simple."

_'Bless'? Something tells me that isn't a shortening of 'give your blessing to',_ Peter thought.

_And yet Loki's the one who went nuts,_ Tony mused. _Something tells me that our soap operas would be yawn-inducing on Asgard._

"Nobody's saying not to make him work for it," Jen said to Thrud. "But if you want him to have a long and difficult journey back to your good graces, there has to be a first step."

Thrud looked at her.

"You...are correct," Thrud said. To Thor, "I ask three things of you, father, as your first step."

"State your wishes," Thor said.

"First, a complete and irreversible royal pardon for my old friends, including releasing them from imprisonment. Second, the repairing of relations and even a peace accord is to be made - I would suggest the Dwarves, but you may wish to pursue the Jotuns or others. Third, is that you must marry Jane Foster - and you may not omit the placing of Mjolnir in her lap."

"Is that a euphemism?" Steve whispered.

"No," Jarnsaxa whispered back.

"I agree to your terms," Thor said to his daughter. "Will... Would you attend the wedding?"

"Of course," Thrud said. "Even if mother may not."

"Of course Jarnsaxa's welcome," Jane said swiftly. "Why wouldn't she be?"

Steve was surprised Tony didn't say anything smart-alecky.

"Question," Tony asked. "I might be speaking for everybody, or just for me, when I ask, what did you mean when you told your daughter not to explain what she meant by landscaping being a family business?"

Steve retracted his previous thought.

"As I understand your world now," Thor said, "you frown on things which once could be easily explained as races."

"It was easy because they did not have the fields of physics to understand it," Thrud commented.

"Well, we certainly have that now," Jane said. "So..."

"Shortly before the Convergence began, I was on Vanaheim helping to put down a disturbance of brigands and looters," Thor said. "I stepped forward, and they sent out their champion - a shambling-striding being composed of boulders and stones."

"A tool-using race capable of making weapons and speech," Thrud remarked. "A distant cousin of mine and father's. The fighter, not his race."

"I struck him with Mjolnir and he became a rain of pebbles," Thor said. "That is my mother's race."

Jane realized after a long moment, that she hadn't closed her mouth, but counted it as a win that her jaw hadn't dropped. _I don't think I'll ever again be able to keep a straight face when Darcy comments on Thor's washboard abs._ Dimly, she could hear herself saying something from an edda, and "Thor, son of Jord, an Earth Giantess."

"Yes."

Tony thought, _That gives new meaning to Hod's earlier comment about Thor marking his own cairn._

Jane thought, _Literally._ All Jane could think of was that she needed some air right now, _and a great need to clear said air._ "Um, Thrud, could I have a word with you for a moment? There's an asterism tonight that will be over the horizon by the time this meal's likely to end, and I'd really appreciate your thoughts on it."

"Of course, my Lady Mother," Thrud said, standing up and following Jane to the door.

"I'm not your - Thor and I are dating."

"Before he departed Asgard, he declared his intent to court you; therefore, you have for all your existence henceforth of that, the title."

"But -"

"Paperwork," Sif answered. "Even we have it."

As she tried contemplating that and its implications - that even a galaxy-spanning supercivilization of ultra-advanced aliens had not gotten rid of paperwork - Jane and Thrud stepped outside to where Jane's team and Natasha were waiting.

Once the door closed, "Everything sounds suspiciously mild-mannered in there," Darcy remarked.

"It is," Jane said, relieved that that was so - and watched as money exchanged hands. "I don't want to know, do I?"

Three pairs of eyes looked perfectly innocent right back at her.

Jane sighed and turned her attention back to Thrud. "Did you do this on purpose?" Jane asked her.

"Yes," Thrud said.

"Something deliberate at a family reunion?" Natasha asked. "Bestill my - nevermind."

"Why?" Jane asked. "Is this about your dad too?"

"Yes," Thrud said. "Before, my father ventured forth to many of the Realms and many of the worlds, and adventured and ventured on them. Now he has more time-bound committments, and no matter what he places first, he must play favorites."

"You win no matter what," Darcy said.

"One of the first tactical riddles my father ever posed to me, was this: if you engage your foe, and you do not lose, but your foe fails to win, shall you count that among your victories? It is as close to a victory as I shall ever get, and I welcome it."

Looking fairly hurt, Jane said. "So if Thor goes and makes peace on those worlds, either he does it with me at his side, or he does it after leaving me here on Earth."

"Or in Asgard," Thrud said. "Or."

"But either way," Maria said, "Thor has to leave his Avenger teammates here on Earth, or take them with him too, which would leave Earth vulnerable."

"And you know he knows that," Jane said.

Thrud nodded.

"But there's something you didn't know."

"Oh?"

Grinning like a Cheshire Cat, Darcy said, "I'm the Queen of Vanaheim, bitch."

"Your Majesty."

"You asked us to help you, and you already knew the outcome."

"I knew a likely outcome, the one I was aiming for," Thrud corrected.

"We could go in Thor's place," Jane said. "Maybe not on the prisoner release thing, but the rest."

"I have vacation days stored up," Maria agreed.

"Except that wouldn't change things for Thor," Darcy picked up on. "Stay here with his buddies, or go with Jane."

"What are your plans for Earth?" Maria asked Thrud.

Said Thrud, "I plan to live here for a very long time, and have a good window seat when Ragnarok arrives in a few billion years."

"You seem certain that it'll happen," Jane said.

"There are prophecies which can be changed, and there are prophecies which cannot be changed."

"Says you," Darcy said.

At the same time, Maria said, "So far as you know."


	8. Outtakes, Deleted Scenes, and other removed items

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Posting this in case anyone's curious; this is the closest thing to a Director's Cut I've done for any of my fics in a very long time.
> 
> For the first 7 chapters, I aimed to both keep it light-hearted and to avoid leaning the storyline toward any one member of the team. This chapter is a sample of some of the things I removed.

...

"So the Midgard Serpent is...?" Jane asked.

"Not Loki's," Sif said.

"But he's your son? The serpent, I mean."

"By fosterage. Not by blood."

"Can I ask what else Snorri got wrong about your son?"

Had it been Stark or nearly anyone else asking that, Sif might have said 'which one?' in part to mess with them. But for Jane, a friend, Sif said "Snorri wrote Thor's fear. Not a prophecy...technically."

 _In a world where magic and science are one and the same, I suppose there are ways of determining the degree of propheticness of a prophecy,_ Jane figured.

"Jormungand's race was one of a handful of exceptions to the observation that Asgardians are cross-fertile with the intelligences of all Nine Realms," Sif said. "That is why I did not hesitate to agree to foster him. I could engage the instinct, without rumors of motherhood."

"You didn't want anyone charging you with nepotism or trading favors?"

Sif looked at her as she translated that in her mind. _Tra..._ "For a different reason, in fact. Less than a thousand years prior to that, I had sworn that I would not bear a child or do anything toward that end, until I had won a Governorship."

"'Governor' is a rank? Or at least a translation of one, I take it," Jane said.

"Yes. It is the title of someone placed in command of a world. Lady Hel was a great influence in my oath," Sif said; "she is Governor of the entire Realm of Niflheim."

**~~~**  
 **Location: the shores of Lagarfljót, Iceland:**

...

"So...you wanna tell me what nearly got blood on my carpets?" Stark asked.

"Thor and I...there was dispute," Sif said.

"No shit, really?"

"Do not presume to understand, Howardsson

"I have been invited to attend an elevation - a promotion - of a family friend," Sif said. "Hrothod Helgasson Gunnarsdottir, of the (-) Regiment."

"Cool," Darcy said. "A huge Asgard celebration?"

"To one degree or another, the entire Einherjar barracks, but particularly the Grendlesmitts and Sifshands Roosts; and the upper echelons of the Asgardian military."

"Roosts?"

"A community residence - the only place the Einherjar fit. It began as a stables, then was converted for birds. Then it was given to mortal warriors to raise their families in." Seeing the faces and suspecting what the next question was, "The Einherjar are not zombies," Sif said. "Those are...someone else's jurisprovidence."

Darcy tried to hold off until later adding another bullet point to her 'Things To Do in Asgard' list. "Valkyries?"

 _"Valkyries_ is nothing but a word for those who perform triage," Sif said. "A valkyries' job is, on the field of battle, to ignore those who will live through the day and fight and love elsewhere. And to ignore those who are already dead."

"You get the ones who are dying, then," Maria said.

Sif nodded. "Had there been cameras in Asgard or on Earth, I would show you pictures of myself and Thor and Loki performing the valkyrie tasks."

 _Thor?_ "I'd love a photo of that," Jane agreed."

"And you're..." Darcy said.

"Asgardian. But I am not one of loyalty to Vanaheim, thus I could not attend the military schools there."

"So the Vanir aren't as peaceful as they're made out to be?" Maria asked.

Sif smiled a grin that was almost Loki-eque. "Who do you think told your ancestors the Vanir were peaceful?"

"Counterintelligence," Maria said, nodding.

"Or plain old cussedness and lying," Darcy said.

"So what's the problem?" Jane asked. "It sounds like a terrific thing to attend."

"It would be," Sif agreed. "That is why I wanted my team to attend."

"Wild horses couldn't keep me away," Darcy said.

"What she said," Maria agreed. "But...I take it Thor disagreed?"

"Because of me?" Jane asked.

"Because of the three of you," Sif corrected. "And not simply because the Einherjar are what your language calls a...martial race, honed for millenia to be prepared for battle alongside Asgardians."

"I'd love to know what that reason could possibly be."

"Above a certain rank, Einherjar promotions are like those of Asgardians."

"We don't have to watch the newly-promoted give somebody a blood eagle, do we?" Jane asked.

"No, they will be crucified," Sif said.

"For giving someone a blood eagle?"

"As part of their promotion. We leave them up for a day at most, and then they rejoin the celebrations."

Jane looked, if not thoughtful, then at least remembering. "Well, that explains why Thor saluted when he accompanied me to church one time. Wait, Thor thinks we'd be offended by the crucifixion, or sick to our stomachs?"

"No, he told me he believes you will attempt to stop the crucifixion," Sif said. "Which would sour the Einherjar towards all of you." _And might result in my losing my place among them._

"And that'd be a bad thing?" Darcy asked.

"Yes."

"What's the worst that could happen?" Maria asked.

"A repeat of when Odin took the throne," Sif said.

"Everyone went AWOL?" she asked. "Absent without leave," she then explained.

"Yes," Sif said. "The entire Einherjar died before Odin could stop them."

"That's not AWOL, that's Masada," Darcy stated. "How'd the big guy piss off the army that badly?"

"This was before he became Allfather, you should understand. He overthrew Ve."

"His brother?"

"Sister. Older sister."

Jane frowned. "But I'm not an Asgardian. Why would the Einherjar react to me like I was a usurper?"

Darcy wondered if _are the Einherjar a bunch of Thor/Sif shippers?_

"Or why would Thor think they'd react like that?" Jane asked.

Sif's answer was blunt: "They have seen the grief of gods, Jane Foster. Thor knows this better than anyone save myself. And the existence of the Einherjar rests in two facts: they must obey whomever is their master, or their lives are forfeit. Presently, their master is the Throne of Asgard, with the rituals and ceremonies which accompany it."

"Like the crucifying?"

Sif nodded.

"I think I see now," Jane said. "Thor thinks that, when I die, he'll be so grief-stricken that he'd throw the Einherjar into an unwinnable battle, and that any of them who refuse to go, will be dead too?"

"Die, get kidnapped by a superior force, leave him. Yes, that is the impression he gave me," Sif said.

"What if he doesn't have to worry about it?" Jane asked.

"Pre-emptive abandonment?"

"That's cold, girl," Darcy said.

"No," Jane said. "No, I mean what if someone else is running the Einherjar?"

"You want to give Loki another army?" Sif asked, trying not to be amused at what may or may not have been irony.

"I believe they mean you," Maria told her.

"Darcy would be better," Sif said.

"I don't think Asgard would survive," Jane said.

"I have never come close to killing Thor. Darcy has."

"Jane has too," Darcy reminded them.

Jane made a face and hoped she wasn't blushing any. "Yeah, but I'm hoping they don't allow motor vehicles in Asgard."

...

"Jarnsaxa," Sif said, standing at the entrance to the roof.

Jane prided herself on not jumping, despite herself or the others not having noticed being joined up here. "If you need to -"

"We need to stop her," Sif said.

"Who are we facing?" Maria asked. "Something more than a name."

"She is the Right Hand of Thor, the Cutting Edge of the Storm." Seeing Jane let out a breath, Sif added, "You worry entirely about the wrong things, my friend." To all of her team, Sif said "As her epithets illustrate, Jarnsaxa is not someone to face lightly. I will understand if you wish to stand aside for this."

"And leave you holding the ball? No way," Darcy said.

"Couldn't be worse than what we've already faced," Maria said practically; Sif didn't look like she believed that claim.

"Let's go," Jane said.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**  
 **RECENT PAST:**

"Your lord and master is dead. You're welcome to join me."

"And if I say no?" Brandt had asked her. {Ellen Brandt, the AIM agent Stark fought in Tennessee}

"Then what happens afterward is also your decision - you can fight me as you seem inclined to, or you can go off on your own for however long you last."

"And who're you?"

"I am Jarnsaxa. Now an iterant, but once of Asgard."

"They throw you out?"

"I was cast aside, my services no longer required," Jarnsaxa said. "And I am beginning to feel that you would prefer to enter battle regardless of what befalls you after."

"I'm wondering if you know how," Brandt said. _At least Stark had some decent lines._

"Very well," Jarnsaxa said, and let the fight begin.

**~~~**  
 **NOW:**

Now they were 

...

"And why would I stop?" Jarnsaxa asked again. "You never answered that, Sif. And avoidance was never your wont before."

Drawing her glaive, Sif said "True. Our respective associates will stand aside?"

"Brandt here would enjoy seeing me bested, if that happens."

"Can't we settle this like grown-ups?" Jane asked.

"I am Asgardian. This _is_ grown up behavior," Jarnsaxa said. "Name yourself."

"Jane Foster." Seeing Jarnsaxa's eyes go wide wasn't the most encouraging thing, entirely. "You know me?"

"By repute. Before I was sent away, Allmother Frigga informed me that I would be proud to kneel at your feet, Thor's queen."

"So the prophecy thing...?" Darcy whispered.

"The Allmother can do that," Sif agreed.

"What is your command, my queen?" Jarnsaxa asked Jane.

"I'm just Jane," Jane said.

"Yes, Queen Jane."

Jane looked at Sif, who shrugged.

Ellen was smiling at the situation, though.

"How about if we all have pizza, and go from there. Okay?" Jane asked.

"As you wish," Jarnsaxa said.

"Sure," Brandt said. "And don't get any bright ideas."

"Stark says that's your department," Maria replied.

...

 

"He proposed," Sif said.

Darcy had a feeling that if Sif got any more emphatic or angry, those slices of pizza would have to be classed as a deadly weapon; or at least a painful one. "Maybe it's a sign he's ready to turn his life around?" she asked.

Sif just looked at her.

"You were hoping for a few centuries of flowers and chocolates? 'Cause I can see the appeal."

"It is not that..." Sif sighed. "Loki proposed that he be the father of any children whom Hod would foster." Trying not to bite her lip, she added, "Thus now Hod is aware I have feelings for him."

"For Hod," Jane said, just to be sure she was on the right page still.

Sif nodded.

"How long has Hod been in the dark - about your feelings for him?" Jane specified before the Allspeech could misinterpret.

"Nineteen hundred years," Sif said.

"Earth years?"

"We don't need to know that," Jane said, though a corner of her hoped that Sif was at least moderately older than Thor...though not entirely sure why she bothered with that hope.

"So...what happens now?" Maria asked.

"Now I kill Loki," Sif said. "There is nothing else to do."

"He led an army into New York, racked up a body count faster than Al Capone on a binge," Darcy said, "And you're going to kill the guy because he asked you to marry him?"

"Loki knew what the outcome would be."

"You're saying he asked you to marry him, because he knew you'd kill him for it?" Jane asked.

"Sounds like giving him what he wants, not what he deserves," Maria said.

"Breaking his mind will only make him more dangerous," Sif said.

"So instead you're going to let him knock- get you pregnant?"

"Why are you suddenly concerned about Loki?" Sif asked, confused.

"I'm not. We're worried about you."

Sif frowned, but then she kenned their concern. "I would only be gravid for a week, two at most. After that, Hod would be sole guardian of the pregnancy; while I am here on Midgard working alongside my friends."

"But Hod's a dude," Darcy said.

"Hence the pronoun," Sif agreed. "Ah; we are a race of warriors because the fetus grows outside of the parents and must be defended by parents - be they foster or not. I do not know if it is owing to magic or technology or ancestral natures."

"Then why not let Hod be the father?" Jane asked her.

Sif took a very large bite of pizza and chewed it until there was a new conversation being discussed.

  


* * *

Jane Foster trudged into the room, door whisking shut behind her, and she flopped into the nearest chair with an audible and disgusted "Men!" Jane said, not entirely conversationally, but trying to be, " _Please_ tell me there's a villain who needs to be kicked into next week."

Darcy raised an eyebrow. "This sounds more like a 'give me chocolate donuts and nobody gets hurt' and not so much a 'if I overcaffinate and bury myself in work, I can avoid thinking about my ex til next year' comment, boss."

"More of a request?" Jane said hesitantly.

"Are you sure you're up for patrol?" Sif asked, having seen that trudging, and was concerned it portended exhaustion.

"Oh I'm just _dandy_."

"Fine," Darcy translated, in case 'dandy' was one of those words that still tripped up the Allspeech centers of the brain. "And what happened? Thor?"

"We were having a nice, quiet, romantic night in, and I lean over and whisper a nothing in his ear, then kiss his ear - And Thor jumps clear across the room with a look I haven't seen on his face since he thought the Destroyer was about to kill him." Jane then turned what Darcy always called the Most Displeased look on Sif. "And when I asked him what was wrong, he said to ask _you._ "

"Oh shit," Darcy muttered.

"Thor has no need to fear," Sif said. "You are human."

"Why would he be afraid?" Jane asked. "And why would he think you can explain it to be better than he can?"

"He knows you and I - all of us here - have discussed Loki's proposal regarding Hod." Three heads nodded. "There was a program on your television last night, I enjoyed watching. It featured survivors of a battle at...Hiroshima," Sif said, careful in pronouncing it. "Those particularly who survived to be spoken to when the program was made."

Jane nodded. "I know it. But what does a documentary about nuclear survivors in real life, have to do with Thor or with Hod?"

 _An Asgardian man would pay anything for the sort of odds of survival, that those nuclear survivors had._ Sif did not voice that thought, not yet. Instead, she said "You need to know about the birds and the carrion beetles."

"Bees," Jane corrected.

"Not on Asgard."

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

"Fatal?"

"For Asgardian men, yes," Sif said, then veered down an alleyway to flush out the purse-snatcher who had run off up ahead. Lacking any recent developments in the theft case, this was a reasonable way to exercise.

Darcy and Jane kept running forwards, towards where they had last seen the thief. "You're thinking," Jane said.

Darcy nodded. "Thousands and thousands of years old..." and couldn't finish her statement.

Jane was of two minds about this. _On one hand, it's kinda flattering to think that I'd be Thor's first. On the other hand, that's a lot of pressure, being the first. And possibly his last._

Having known Jane long enough to know that look on her face, Darcy said "Nuh-uh. Human, remember? Mind-blowing sex won't kill either of you. Mind-numbingly vanilla sex with Sif would."

 _I've managed to keep that mental image out of my head this long, Darcy, thankyouverymuch._ "And what would you suggest?" Jane asked her.

"That you put on your best librarian glasses, your tastiest lip gloss, and you remind Thor just who his favorite human is. And if the two of you need pizza or donuts, I'll leave it at the door."

That was when the purse-snatcher nearly got run over by them. "Well looky what we caught," Darcy said, twisting his arm around til he surrendered. _Probably won't put up enough of a fight to test out my new hyper-powered taser._

"Not small enough to throw it back," Jane told Darcy. "Guess we'll have to haul it in."

  


* * *

...

"So...on a scale of one to ten, how bad is this?" Darcy asked as they finished one circuit of Central Park, having found nothing of her except for where she and Thor had fought. _Not the hugest gouges in the ground, so unless she's got special shoes on, she can't be Destroyer-big._ "One is that everything's hunky-dory and that was her and Thor's idea of kidding around. Ten is the invasion of New York."

"I do not know," Sif said.

"I thought you said Jarnsaxa used to go adventuring with you guys all the time."

"She did. But as Thor considers me a comrade in arms and nearly a foster sister, Jarnsaxa is -"

"Friends with benefits?"

"More like Mjolnir," Sif said.

Darcy made a face. "I could so have gone the rest of my life without that image, thankfyousoverymuch."

"What image?"

"I can't explain it, not without a metric ton at least of the bestest chocolate on Earth.

"So Thor and Jarnsaxa were close?" Jane asked.

"She was his right hand," Sif said. "For over a thousand years."

"What happened? If I can ask."

"Thor offered her retirement. Loki had fallen away, Thor was bereft without you, and the Bifrost was broken."

"So, she's -- Wait a minute, am I _bait_?" Jane asked.

One of the trees up ahead, toppled over, and a woman stepped past where the tree had been, and into the light. "No, _Sif_ would be bait, for her failure to recover our prince from a planet trying to kill him."

"And where were you?" Jane felt she had to ask. "You're Jarnsaxa?"

"I am. And I was in Asgard, growing back my leg." _That is why I could not come on the move against Jotunheim._

"I thought you'd be taller," Darcy said.

* * *

Lagarfljót Worm  
Lagarfljóts Worm  
(Lagarfljótsormur)  
First reported  
1345  
Last reported  
2012  
Country  
Iceland 

Habitat  
Lagarfljót 

The Lagarfljótsormur, Lagarfljót worm, (or simply Iceland Worm Monster) is an Icelandic lake cryptid which is purported to live in Lagarfljót in Egilsstaðir. Sightings have been logged since 1345 and continue into the 21st century, and an origin of the creature is given in Jón Árnason's collection of Icelandic folktales and legends published in 1862 and 1864.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I used Googlemaps...there's an Asgardstrand in Norway, sure; but also an Asgard in Ontario, Texas, and Manchester.


End file.
